Mother is punishing me for telling the school counsellor I'm an atheist

[Closet Atheist]

So my mum asks me to to spend time with her. It's been a long day and I just wanted to rest but I went to her anyway.

Earlier on my dad told me I shouldn't talk about my beliefs (or rather lack of) and religion because it hurts my mother (because of my lack of belief).

She brings up the topic straight away and says that I shouldn't tell anyone because I go to a Catholic school and it's unfortunate that I only lost my belief in God just last year.

I stupidly told her that I had told the school counselor. I asked the counselor if I would get kicked out for being atheist. She said no and that there were even some Buddhists in the school and that everyone has doubts so it's okay. I then told her I didn't believe. Keep in mind that she is a strong Protestant and she was fine with it. She said my religion teacher is very nice and accepting and I told him also. But they were the only two people I told.

My mum was furious. She said word will get around but the counselor is not allowed to tell people about it and I really doubt the religion teacher will do anything about it. He never even mentioned it to me after that. He just went on teaching. I promised mum that I won't tell anyone else but she just kept being angry at me.

Today I didn't talk to her and she was angry. I said I won't spend time with you anymore unless you apologize for what you said. She said that I keep talking about being an atheist and that it is poison to her even though she was the one who kept talking about it.
My mum told me I had some bad gene and she doesn't deserve this. Now she wants to punish me.

How do I fix this?

[wolty]

Not sure you can fix it but you may be able to come to a truce.
You can make the point you can't make yourself believe.
If anything keep it simple. Tell her that using evidence based reason makes you feel comfortable and happy.

Good luck.

[Worldslaziestbusker]

Fuck, CA
I don't know if you can fix this, as you haven't actually broken anything. Your mother is using her authority over your life to put pressure on you and punish you for something you cannot help. You can't just suddenly start believing something you don't believe just because someone else wants you to.
I am loathe to offer advice on any course of action, as I don't know you or your mother, or how any particular course of action is likely to play out. The goals your mother has in punishing you are probably key to working out how you act from here. Do you understand why she is acting the way she is? What does she hope to achieve?
Matt

[Xeno]

I reckon that within families, a cold truce can work because there are other powerful common interests. Keep being a reasonable school-age person at home, don't start discussions on it but be clear, when it is raised with you, that you can not compel your own belief and it might be better for your Mum to wait. Calm and a cold truce on the subject are likely outcomes.

There you go, straight out general advice. Feel free to leave it alone. Remember, I don't know you or your family. All the best .

[Annie]

Hi there cupboard dweller.
It seems to me that your mother cares about what you tell people more than what you believe. She seems very concerned with how people will perceive you and what she thinks the consequences of that could be. Your choice is whether to be true to yourself and have confidence in your position or whether to placate your mum and dance the dance of a believer. Only you can know the consequences of both.

In saying that I will assure you that no evil has become of me for being an atheist and I am proud to be an atheist who thinks for herself. You are young though and I can see complications of being a young atheist in a religious family might be daunting. It sounds a bit rough now but things may improve.

Well done for posting here.

[Sieveboy]

A tough situation CA, I empathise with you, all I can offer is this: Keep your chin up, having faith is not something she can force you to have by being cold, angry and distant with you, faith or lack of faith is entirely about you, not her.

One point to consider, when your mum said you had a "bad gene" this is a rubbish comment. There are genes that are involved in the expression on human intelligence, thoughts and emotions but I would say on balance of evidence that faith is a learned experience, i.e. it takes education as a young person to have and hold faith. As such your lack of faith, being a considered and well thought postion is not a product of genetics or bad genes at all, but the product of cognition, consideration and review of the evidence or lack there of.

Alternatively, if it is "bad genes" chances are you got them from your mum (assuming she is biologically your mother) or your mums "good gene" that she supplied fails to dominate the "bad gene" provided by your biological father. Think about that for a second (perhaps don't tell her that, but). Of course I still think her comment is rubbish and not based on facts of science.

Darwinsbulldog will probably take me to task for making such a poor effort on biology of inheritable characteristics.

[David Stasey]

Hi CA
You sound pretty hurt and therefore vulnerable. I've looked at your old posts to try and figure what's going on and you sound quite young. Keep in mind that you are on a public forum.

Meanwhile, for what little I know, WLB seems to be on the right track in asking what your Mum wants. I expect it will be a belief in god.
My own definition of myself is not that I "believe that god does not exist" just that I have "no reason to believe that he does". Say "That's how I feel at the moment and can we just leave it at that for now?
Perhaps she would be able to accept that as long as you don't pour petrol on it by demanding proof as reason to believe or getting in to long arguments.

I'm no expert but that's my two cents. It sounds like your school counsellor would also be prepared to help.

[Fearless]

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

She brings up the topic straight away and says that I shouldn't tell anyone because I go to a Catholic school and it's unfortunate that I only lost my belief in God just last year.

There is a difference between telling people and walking around announcing it to people. In your case I don't see the need to tell every man and his dog at your school, just people you feel you can trust when the topic arises.

When you finish school this issue will be irrelevant, so maybe unless you are having issues at school because of it, try to get by if you can regardless.

Of course there is no shame in saying you are an atheist but in an environment like that it's probably generally best left unmentioned.

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

I stupidly told her that I had told the school counselor.

I think you took a positive step to making sure YOU don't treat this as a 'problem'. I seem to recall saying something like this in another thread, but Mum has probably been fed so much anti-atheist nonsense she feels threatened at the thought. I went through the same thing with my mother (but at a much older age than you) and the thing I have had to do is normalise discussion around atheism, de-mystify it so that some mutual understanding takes place. Just keep talking to her when opportunity presents itself at home, the worst you can do is bottle it up. Just try to stay calm and help both your parents see that it is no more than just not believing. There is nothing to fear. If she is worried that her congregation or friends might find out then without sounding rude that is her problem, she should really love and support you no matter what (and she probably does/will). So don't give her reason to point and say 'see! this is what i feared!!'. Show her how level headed you are.

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

I asked the counselor if I would get kicked out for being atheist.

All the time they are getting funding from the 'Bank of Mum and Dad', I doubt (unless you are causing problems) that anyone is going to kick you out. If anything they will probably hope you will 'snap out' of this silly phase and return to the faith.

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

My mum was furious. She said word will get around but the counselor is not allowed to tell people about it and I really doubt the religion teacher will do anything about it. He never even mentioned it to me after that. He just went on teaching. I promised mum that I won't tell anyone else but she just kept being angry at me.

Sorry about this, and I can imagine it would happen... (assuming not this bad) but the most important thing is that you remain calm when she is not. It is hard to be angry with someone who is not angry in return.

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

Today I didn't talk to her and she was angry. I said I won't spend time with you anymore unless you apologize for what you said. She said that I keep talking about being an atheist and that it is poison to her even though she was the one who kept talking about it.

You have your feelings too, but at the end of the day, she will have to get over it. If you are not giving her reason to be angry generally, she will hopefully see the truth about being an atheist and that it is not a negative thing. It might take some time but older people sometimes take longer to adapt.

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

My mum told me I had some bad gene and she doesn't deserve this. Now she wants to punish me.

I guess you could ask her if she is punishing you for being honest and respectful to yourself?

Originally Posted by Closet Atheist

How do I fix this?

• Stay calm
• Be true to yourself
• Communicate (but back off if you feel tension rising).
• Study well and don't give people reason to ridicule or judge
• Find someone you can trust (ie. the counsellor) and talk it through whenever you need to. There are also Youth Workers and youth groups in many major suburbs, which often have community counsellors you can get in contact with also if you need to. Often these services are free to young people.
• Don't do it alone.

[Seamus]

Earlier on my dad told me I shouldn't talk about my beliefs (or rather lack of) and religion because it hurts my mother (because of my lack of belief).

I feel for you. I grew up in a Catholic house and had to put up with that kind of emotional blackmail.

My parents did not change. Yours probably will not either.

All I can tell you is what I did: I complied until I left home at 18. I took years for things to be Ok-ish with my parents.

[Logic please]

An extremely tough situation, CA. :-/ Good luck with it, and hang in there, because ultimately the decision will be yours, even if that seems a long way away ATM.

Lots of great advice on this thread already.

My from-a-distance observation: I suspect that your mum's anger might also partly stem from her feeling that you telling other people, is an unwelcome reminder of you becoming more confident in your views on this. For her, every time you tell someone else, it's a little less likely that you'll "come back to the fold".

And also, if I may also paraphrase Dan Barker:

She is not angry with you because you lost your faith, but rather, because you lost hers.

Just my $0.02.