Child Bearing, Or Not - The Fence Sitter

[Senexis]

You're fucking kidding me, right? I mean, I'm sure you love your animal and all, but... feeding, clothing, schooling, raising kids is, with a straight face, considered the same as ...owning a fucking cat?

You're taking the piss, right?

[Xeno]

You are taking the example way too far.

It is a fact that currently we can not go away for more than 24 hours because we have no present minder. That is all I said and it parallels similar issues with children. i. e. the result is the same based on the same local considerations.

You might note in both cases we do not use boarding, a personal or lifestyle decision.

The rest of my post offered two perspectives on pleasures and value of children.

Pat a tiktaalik.

[Logic]

Originally Posted by Xeno

Senexis' problem does not require children. If we are to go away we have to get someone to mind the cat and right now, we do not have anyone.

We have a dog and a cat. When we go away we get the 'cat lady' to come to our house and feed her for $15 a day - she also takes the mail and bins in. If it's just a short trip my mum does it. The dog usually comes with us if it's something like camping, however if it's non-dog friendly (like the GAC) he stays with a friend or family. I worry enough about leaving my fur babies with other people, I can't imagine how it would be with human children!

[Seamus]

Originally Posted by Lilith

Ack! ... Must .. resist... urge... to... caption... his.. expressions....!!

Ditto.

As it turns out,I don't actually like children,but will happily give an infant a cuddle. Just as I do a puppy and do my chewy if I see an adult mistreating a child. (same with a puppy or any other animal).

I'm now 63,no children by choice.I was 31 when I got married.Before then, many of the suitable women I met wanted to get married,work for precisely three years,then pop out two units and stay home and be a haus frau.(the rest didn't consider me suitable)

OF course I have some regrets,but not many.

[wearestardust]

Senexis has said explicitly a point that I just left at a hint at. I'm glad to be a parent. But I did the heavy lifting when relatively young. I can't imagine having children now, in my mid 40s. One of the many reasons I just don't understand middle-aged and older guys marrying younger women is that typically kids come as part of the package (that or resentment about not having kids*).

But I say that having had at least one child. I might well feel different if I had none so far.



* I don't mean to stereotype young women. Young people tend to want to have kids when they get into commited relationships. Young women are a subset of young people.

Originally Posted by wearestardust

Senexis has said explicitly a point that I just left at a hint at. I'm glad to be a parent. But I did the heavy lifting when relatively young. I can't imagine having children now, in my mid 40s. One of the many reasons I just don't understand middle-aged and older guys marrying younger women is that typically kids come as part of the package (that or resentment about not having kids*).

But I say that having had at least one child. I might well feel different if I had none so far.

Okay. First a short psychological profile.

I was an only child and my dad died when I was only three years old. My mother never remarried and I grew up without experiencing a traditional family relationship.

I'm not sure if the lack of domestic modelling had anything to do with it but through most of my adult life I had many relationships but avoided commitment like the plague!

Although it was my intention to remain independent for the rest of my life, I found that in my mid forties my interest in the partying lifestyle diminished and I became increasingly dissatisfied with casual social and sexual relationships.

Consequently, at the age of forty-eight, I finally committed myself to a childless woman much younger than myself and we married. At that age I had begun to mellow and I am willing to admit that my marital motivation was more related to the need for companionship than the earlier insane demands of my testicles.

Nevertheless, I did what comes naturally and to my surprise, at the age of fifty years, I became the father of a beautiful little girl.

My daughter is now twenty four and I've gone through all the phases of fatherhood from nurturing an infant to coping with a sometimes irrational teenager.

It hasn't always been easy and it might not be for everyone but I'm so grateful that I didn't miss out on the parenting experience.

My little girl has now flown the nest and is working interstate. Nevertheless, I look forward to her frequent phone calls and relish the fact that she now actually seeks my advice. <grin>

I also admit to feeling a warm inner glow when she addresses me as "Daddy" and I am the recipient of her hugs and kisses.

My daughter has made my life worthwhile and all my other life achievements pale in comparison.

Unfortunately, the saddest part of being an older parent as far as I'm concerned, is that at the age of seventy four, I may be unable to serve as a long term grandfather should the need arise.

Oh well, to quote the immortal words of Doris Day, "Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be".

[Praxis]

Originally Posted by Logic

I worry enough about leaving my fur babies with other people, I can't imagine how it would be with human children!

I have read the recent posts with great interest.

Senexis, you are not a lone voice in the wilderness, by any means if it makes you feel any better

I shouldn't have to preface this with "I love my son and can't imagine him not being here" but I will. Oh, I did. Sorry.

Call me an unnatural mother if you will but one of the reasons I think I've been able to keep my sanity and be a reasonably effective parent is that I separated from my son's father when he had just turned 3. From the very start his father had good access to him and I can't tell you how fantastic it is to have every second weekend free from a toddler.

One small difficulty that I had to suck up (and this is why I have quoted Logic above) is that each time his father got a new girlfriend, I would have to leave my son with his father, knowing some unknown woman had access to him. That was hard, I won't deny it. Some of them were very nice, some were outright loonies. But he didn't come to any harm.

So basically, he's 15 now and he still goes approximately every second weekend to his dad's plus often half or more of the school holidays.

For me, this is an ideal arrangement as to be perfectly honest, I don't know how I would have coped with a 24/7 child - and my son is a very quiet type of person.

So I get lots of time to still be me, but as Senexis has said, it never really stops. Not really. I do all the hard yards and always have done and I don't begrudge that, it's just something that comes with the territory.

The next phase we will go through will be the first part-time job, which he will need to be driven to if it isn't somewhere close by. I've seen friends do this and it seems their kids always manage to pull the 9 pm to 12.30 am shift or something equally uncivilised, and it's mum or dad in the car to pick them up at some appalling hour. But you wouldn't want them on public transport at that age and at that time of night/morning so you do it.

Because that's just part and parcel of the responsibility of being the carer for a smaller, younger human.

FWIW, we have two cats and it's really easy if we go away. Got a friend in the same suburb whom I give a key to and she feeds them for us (and I do likewise for her) and if we're away longer than a week, they go to a cat boarding place. Very simple (and I don't have to pack a bag for them nor do piles of stinky laundry when they come home ).

So anyway, um, yeah. It's fecking hard and it's not all sweetness and light and milky kisses and snuggles, although those things are lovely - much of it is snot and poo and whining and whinging and not being able to go to nice restaurants (I don't care what people say, you do not take a bloody little kid to a decent restaurant. Just stay home! But I digress) or do anything spontaneous any more.

But hey, everyone muddles through one way or the other.

The key thing to remember Logic is that it all comes down to what choice is best for you (including Mr Logic here)

EDIT TO ADD: Wow, I just read your post Phroso. Thanks so much for sharing that.

[riddlemethis]

Originally Posted by FSM

I'm assuming you are female?

As the 39yo proud daddy of a 7 week old, and someone who couldn't have really cared about having kids in the least (and would have been probably very happy if my wife didn't want to have kids, or we couldn't have), it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done.

I know they are pretty easy and cute at this stage, and will get much more difficult in the coming years, but I'm relishing the thought of having a child, MY child, that I can eventually teach things to and watch grow.

When you brings them home and go "wow, this is MINE!". It's just unbeatable.

And I can imagine there is the whole part about living your life over again through your kids, and having someone to (hopefully) care about you when you are old and decrepit etc. And likely a sense of achievement when all the materialistic fluff of life is eventually blown away.

Go for it, they don't cost a cent up front!

Dave.

How the heck did I miss photos of teh cutez?!!!! How freakin adorable. Congrats to you.

[Logic]

Originally Posted by Phroso

Consequently, at the age of forty-eight, I finally committed myself to a childless woman much younger than myself and we married. At that age I had begun to mellow and I am willing to admit that my marital motivation was more related to the need for companionship than the earlier insane demands of my testicles.

Nevertheless, I did what comes naturally and to my surprise, at the age of fifty years, I became the father of a beautiful little girl.

Thanks for sharing Phroso. Sounds like my Dad. His marriage to my Mum was a second marriage. I was born when Mum was 35 and Dad was 50, I have a half brother from Dad's first marriage who was 15 when I was born.

To be honest, I have struggled a bit with the age gap between my father and myself - double generation gap and all, but mostly I think because of the type of person he is (grew up in rural NZ during the depression, pretty sure he had untreated depression and therefore drank too much through my teenage years) rather than the age thing. The downside to being an older parent is that he is now in a home due to a stroke, although I am aware that none of us, regardless of age, know what might happen to us at any time.

Anyway, I guess due in part to that experience, I don't want to leave having kids too late if I do decide to go down that road. My clock is a tickin'!

[Praxis]

Originally Posted by Logic

I don't want to leave having kids too late if I do decide to go down that road. My clock is a tickin'!

And there it is

Good luck Logic - perhaps we'll see you in a maternity smock in April

*ducks and runs*