Child Bearing, Or Not - The Fence Sitter

[Charmie]

I wish someone had told me sooner that having children would be the best and most important thing I have ever done. I love being a mum and I was your age when I had my son. My daughter is now six months old and when she was two months old I had a serious accident and nearly lost my foot. 6 operations and 50 hyperbaric treatments later I still have external fixators on my leg, but the worst part is that I can't do all the wonderful mum things I love. Yet. But soon again I hope.

I think it's great you are having a good think about all the pros and cons. I don't think my parents thought about it at all. It still feels like it was just a duty they had to fulfill. I would hate my children to feel that way about my husband and I. Also my parents certainly didn't have the fear I have about being a bad parent. And I think that's a good thing.

In my opinion, the positives of having children enormously outweigh the negatives of having children. Whether the positives of having children outweigh the positives of not having children I don't know. But the fact that you are thinking about it leads me to believe you would be a fantastic mum.

[Logic]

Originally Posted by Charmie

I wish someone had told me sooner that having children would be the best and most important thing I have ever done. I love being a mum and I was your age when I had my son. My daughter is now six months old and when she was two months old I had a serious accident and nearly lost my foot. 6 operations and 50 hyperbaric treatments later I still have external fixators on my leg, but the worst part is that I can't do all the wonderful mum things I love. Yet. But soon again I hope.

I think it's great you are having a good think about all the pros and cons. I don't think my parents thought about it at all. It still feels like it was just a duty they had to fulfill. I would hate my children to feel that way about my husband and I. Also my parents certainly didn't have the fear I have about being a bad parent. And I think that's a good thing.

In my opinion, the positives of having children enormously outweigh the negatives of having children. Whether the positives of having children outweigh the positives of not having children I don't know. But the fact that you are thinking about it leads me to believe you would be a fantastic mum.

Thanks Charmie

[Lilith]

Originally Posted by Charmie

In my opinion, the positives of having children enormously outweigh the negatives of having children. Whether the positives of having children outweigh the positives of not having children I don't know. But the fact that you are thinking about it leads me to believe you would be a fantastic mum.

This is so great. I totally agree.. I had my two children very young and though I don't for a second regret having them, I regret having them thoughtlessly. I regret that I denied myself the choice to not have them, simply because it didn't occur to me at the time that not having them was an option.
I have no bearing on your decision at all, of course, as was said earlier, there's no right or wrong answer to this question - but I'm firmly of the opinion that someone who takes such a considered and thoughtful approach to the important things like this can only improve the genepool.

I've the barest sliver of maternal instinct and I'm still occasionally astonished that my sproggets have survived my parenting attempts thus far (13 and nearly 16 years)... But they're an awful lot of fun to have around.
I can't possibly guess what my life would be like without them.. But this branch of my multiverse is pretty nice with them in it.

[Charmie]

Something else I wanted to add was that I have always felt in awe of my evolutionary history (like others here, my recent family history not so much). And to borrow some symbolism from Richard Dawkins, I wonder if I was able to hold hands, fins, pods, cilia with 3.8 billion years worth of my ancestors, whether I could look down the line at them and not want to be a part of continuing that amazing line. I guess that's my selfish genes talking...

[TimB]

Having kids is awesome - we've got 2 and a 3rd on the way. The fun bits far outweigh the hard bits (mostly ). It certainly does change your life. You can get so much satisfaction and enjoyment teaching them about the world. Watching them grow and learn is very rewarding - and you get the chance to help shape the next generation of free thinkers .

I reckon it's perfectly normal to be nervous - it's a new phase in your life. I don't think there is necessarily a "right" time. Whenever it happens, how ever many of the cheeky little buggers you end up having, you just deal with it.

[Threat]

Originally Posted by rosiemacduck

Being a parent is a right, but with it comes a huge responsibility.

A bit off topic, and maybe covered already elsewhere, but I totally, disagree with parenthood being a 'right'. I think someone pointed out once in another thread that the Un or someone defines it as a right, but I don't.

Originally Posted by Bolero

I have two, and for me it just kind of happened - not really planned, but not exactly unplanned.

I love having kids - I really do. But now, more than before. I'm not a "baby" person, and toddlers are cool and fascinating at times, but mostly give me the shits. Now that the kids can walk, talk, think and make rudimentary meals for themselves, I like them a lot more, and have awesome times interacting with them.

I'm quite similar Bolero, 2 boys, unplanned, 1st one at 21 whilst both of us still at uni. 2nd one came along so quick we had him at home in the bedroom with 9 ambos in the room (they love births, they were all telling me their names... I didn't tell them we already had names picked). Mine are 7 & 10 now, so much better than toddlers or babies. I play video games with my eldest and his mates. It is awesome interacting with them.

Originally Posted by TimB

The fun bits far outweigh the hard bits (mostly ). It certainly does change your life. You can get so much satisfaction and enjoyment teaching them about the world. Watching them grow and learn is very rewarding.

Well said TimB. I love teaching them about new things, etc.

Having said all that, if I got to speak to my 20yr old self? I'd probably tell him to never have kids (wear a condom you idiot!!!). I have never felt the urge to have another, I don't know if I ever would have if I didn't have my boys.

My wife flip flops a bit on how she feels, but gets upset sometimes that the decision will be out of her hands in a few years anyway (another one wouldn't fit her career plans for a few years, then she doesn't want to have one past her early 30s). Since she hasn't really decided if she wants another one I haven't had to profess how strongly I feel about not having any more (when I have mentioned the possibility of 'the snip' she has threatened to divorce me ).

Logic, I hope whatever you do works out for you.

[rosiemacduck]

Originally Posted by Threat

A bit off topic, and maybe covered already elsewhere, but I totally, disagree with parenthood being a 'right'. I think someone pointed out once in another thread that the Un or someone defines it as a right, but I don't.

Hi Threat,
I personally don't agree that everyone should become a parent. However, how would you go about telling someone they didn't have a "right" to be one?
rosie

[Darwinsbulldog]

Mrs Bulldog and myself got the impulse to breed, but instead we got a puppy, which was cuter. We didn't really want a child until much later, and then it was medically too late. I think that we were both less than impressed with our own parents parenting philosophy & skills, and worried that history would repeat itself.

[c2105026]

I don't have any kids, not even in a relationship atm. However, I would like to have kids. I am embarking on a career as a primary teacher, so I have no problems with kids; they can frequently be adorable. In addition I feel that it is what natural selection wants me to do, and continues my bloodline. I am stopping at 3, however, due to logistical and practical considerations.

[Logic]

I just finished reading "Two is Enough - A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice". Quite interesting as it is based on a research project interviewing couples at various stages of being childless by choice.

I've now ordered the book "Do I Want To Be A Mom".

I can't be accused of not exploring all my options