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  #1  
Old 14th January 2018, 09:11 AM
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Default Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

24 Hours of Cable Adverts

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...thankfully, you are prepared. You have purchased your Tasty Pantry Deluxe Food Buckets, guaranteeing you over ten thousand servings of pizza, mac and cheese, and chocolate pudding while you wait out the apocalypse. You have purchased your solar generator with compatible microwave and electric blanket, “so you don’t freeze to death,” says Bakker. You have your collection of “end times” literature with titles like The Islamic Antichrist and The Trump Prophecies, which will guide you through the bloody tribulations to come.

I’ve only just begun my 24 hour binge of the newly revived Praise the Lord (PTL) network, Bakker's apocalypse-themed Christian home shopping channel. As a child I marinated in doomsday prophecies like these, as my parents (and those of my poverty-stricken friends) gave ten percent of our yearly income to conmen like Bakker—about as much as I’ve spent on therapists attempting to treat the PTSD caused by spending 20 years waiting for the world to end.

Come for the weirdness, stay for the alarmist hucksterism.
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Old 17th January 2018, 06:19 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

How many books and tracts on Israel's place in God's end times programme have been published and sold since the beginning of the Modern Era one can only wonder.

I know a lady with a bookshelf full of them, propagating this at every opportunity for decades.

A little peep here on these seductive books, videos, to the uninformed.

Premillennialism has some history.

The more shambolic and uncertain the times the more alluring Dispensational Premillennialism becomes. Confirmation bias.
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Old 17th January 2018, 07:19 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

Ahemmm...i’d formally like to announce my line of end times alcohol beverages that have a bible verse on every label. Stock up for a piss up while the heathens burn. We can’t guarantee quality but in these difficult times drinking the blood of Christ will help with those end time stresses. All bottles have been blessed. Beer, wine and holy spirits are all available from my website. Prices begin from roughly 300% above normal retail price because who can afford to risk hell, think of it as an investment in heaven. All credit cards accepted. Act now, the end is nigh.
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  #4  
Old 17th January 2018, 10:17 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

I just have one little query pip.

Who blessed it?

It's not that I don't trust you or anything, after all.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:43 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

Well, I blessed it. It makes the taste better, even though it only costs me $10 for 5 litres. It’s all in the blessing, don’t you know.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:45 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

"It'sh like pentecoshtalishum all over again. I'm sho bleshed I can't shtand up." - Pip product endorser.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:47 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

Look, it’s not that tricky. ‘I bless this wine in the name of Jesus, amen.’ Then you add 300% to what it cost you and sell it on. It ain’t rocket science...actually it ain’t any type of science, it’s just capitalism and Jesus is all in for capitalism so...
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:49 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

Easier than making your wine halal, innit?
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: Jim Bakker's Tasty, Pre-packed Apocalypse

Oh yes, that’s very fucking tricky, gotta go into the early suras when Mo quite liked the grape juice before he decided against it. That’s a battle way beyond dan murphey’s catalogue.
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