In your face topic time, a question.

[simonecuttlefish]

Originally Posted by davo

Have you ever felt that the only thing that stops you from suicide is how your friends or family would react?

Yes. It certainly was the only thing stopping me from topping myself. I wandered around for months and months in a permanent state of "just kill yourself, just kill yourself, just kill yourself, just kill yourself, just kill yourself," thought. Every moment, the default response to any thought was "just kill yourself". Going to get out of bed, clean the kitchen, shave, "it's easier to kill yourself" automated response.

This was, I believe a direct result of being put on an SNRI (not ssri) for depression, coming out of the depressive episode (as is normal, they are usually time limited events), and then having a BAD reaction to the SNRI. I go back to the doctor because of this new condition that was making the depression look like a bad hair day, and the response?

People develop immunities to this over time, I'll increase your dosage. New brain hit, weeks later, things are worse, "Oh, we need to increase the dosage" ..... 160mg a day later and I'm fucked. If I forgot to take it I'd have the most outrageous side effects, start talking so fast people couldn't understand me, permanent goose bumps so hard they could cast a shadow, mind travelling at light speed, a sense of constant imminent danger, and the ever present "kill yourself, kill yourself" thought.

To cut an horrific story way too short - until I bit the bullet and went cold turkey (the doctors would not help me come down slowly), it was only my mind, that thing that had become so deranged it was permanently demanding my death, that saved me from it. This was before anyone had heard of the "yet to be defined" conditions caused by serotonin, norepinephrine, and other brain chemistries, being elevated to extreme and unnatural levels, as these conditions were "new"; they ARE THE RESULT of SSRIs and SNRIs etc being invented. It's now actually known about, in fact shortly after the 10-12 day withdrawal (I waited for my partner to go overseas on business before doing it - I was not gunna let him see that, although I didn't think it would take more than a week ), there was a letter (not a study!) printed in the Lancet medical journal about (I won't name the chemical as it is actually very useful for many conditions IF the doctor has a clue) patients going cold turkey after extended high dosage, being found dead. Not suicide, just dead for no apparent reason. It was an alarming observation, not a specific study. I believe know what killed them. They died of fright and stress, it's one thing to hallucinate, but when you can actually FEEL the crows beaks digging into your flesh, when you can actually reach around behind you to scrape them off your neck and feel their leathery little legs, and scratchy little claws, and hear them shrieking at you, and their beaks piercing your hands, and YOU ARE WIDE AWAKE, things become very difficult to keep in perspective. I had, from times when I had forgotten to take my medication even for a few hours, had to deal later that night with http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delirium_tremens like symptoms. Sadly, by the time you realise and take the medication, you are still in for a mild bout of "hell is real" - there is a lag time between taking the medication and it "kicking in".
**begins wiping tears off the keyboard
It was thoughts of what it would do to my partner, my family, and also the permanent, internally chanted mantra of "this is not right, don't listen to it", over and over that prevented me from killing myself. I was not afraid of death. I had invented several methods of killing myself quite effectively, without leaving a mess for strangers to deal with, notifying authorities post death to come and find the body (didn't want my partner to walk in on that one, or to get found by kids or a bush walker, that sort of 'considerate' thing), and a not-unpleasant way to go out.

I believe your intellect can help you, even in the face of a reality that is so altered it seems to demand your death. Think of family, think of friends, and keep trying to find other medical opinions. I know it's hard to get motivated to search for help when death seems to be a viable option.

I'm better now.

If you, or anyone reading this post is considering suicide PLEASE DON'T. It actually IS the result of damaged thinking, and there actually IS HELP about for that.

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx? RING THEN NOW - 1300 224636. They weren't around when I went though this.

Please note, I was not being treated for anything other than what the doctor (and the other one I went to for another opinion) described as a fairly standard, not too serious depression event. Fortunately these days, most GP's seem aware that the drugs they are prescribing can actually kill.