I need help
Well... It's kinda tough for me to write this but here goes.
I have been a little depressed of late. Well, alot mostly. But even I am having trouble keeping up with how I am feeling some days.
For the most, it's about uni. I was perhaps understating it when I wrote on my bio I am a 'little lost'. I am in fact alot lost, I am freaking Tom Hanks Cast Away lost. And it pisses me off.
You will have to forgive me for jumping all over the place but I am trying to write it as it comes.
I am frustrated that I have no freaking idea what I want to do. I have simply no idea. It's not a matter of oh maybe this or this, or even this this or this. I have nothing. No direction. And I have been at university for 4 fucking years now wasting time and money doing something I am not even sure I will continue to do once I finish. I have changed courses so many times I lose credibility the moment I am asked, and I was almost even denied entry into ADFA (I was thankfully approved - but other circumstances led to me not going - exactly my fn point) because I have changed my mind so much.
To date, I have enrolled in:
B Behavioural Science
B Biomedical Science
B Mass Communication
And every god damn fn time I still have the same problems. I think what has snapped now is that I have lasted so long, pushing it deep down for the last 3 years in this course.
I do not love what I am doing. And this just pisses me off so much. I hate that I do not feel passionate about my degree, what I even hate more is that I am not proud of myself.
I hate that my uni experience so far has been the worst times of my life. I hate hearing people say how great uni is or was when I think its the most horrible fn situation I have ever been in.
I hate that I feel like I am supposed to do something so much better. It makes my blood boil and eyes water thinking that I am doing a degree any fn person can do, when I am so much better than it.
I hate that I got an OP 7, yet I am doing a degree for OP 20s. I hate that I know I am smarter than OP 7, but during high school I simply stopped trying or didn't bother attending. I hate that I got addicted to World of Warcraft and I hate that I am writing this on an atheist forum that I spend more time watching than I do any other sole activity in my life. I spend more time on this forum than I do even thinking about uni, and I hate that I have 4 assignments due yet here I am, reading and posting on this forum.
I hate that I have spent so long being unmotivated. I hate that I am still un-motivated to even look up my classes on the internet when I couldn't be bothered going to the real thing. I hate that I hate uni.
I just wish I knew what I wanted to be. I wish to the god's I don't even believe in that I could turn back time or just be someone else.
I don't care how cocky this sounds, but I am smart, and I know I should be a bloody doctor, or scientist, and I was going to be, but as usual, I stopped attending, I had no motivation, and I changed courses.
Grrrrrrrrrr. I am just so bloody frustrated at it all. I just wish I had the common sense I always tell everybody else to use.
Anyways, I really just had to get that out. There was so much more I need(ed) to write, but I had to keep pausing as I wrote that so I could think clearly and I've forgotten it / bottled it back up. I am not even really sure if there was a question in there at all, but well, you are the only forum I post on so you got stuck with it.
I do feel kinda better now though, although I wish I was stronger to deal with it all.
Gah see listen to me, I hate that I always wish for things.