I need help

[GenericBox]

Well... It's kinda tough for me to write this but here goes.

I have been a little depressed of late. Well, alot mostly. But even I am having trouble keeping up with how I am feeling some days.

For the most, it's about uni. I was perhaps understating it when I wrote on my bio I am a 'little lost'. I am in fact alot lost, I am freaking Tom Hanks Cast Away lost. And it pisses me off.

You will have to forgive me for jumping all over the place but I am trying to write it as it comes.

I am frustrated that I have no freaking idea what I want to do. I have simply no idea. It's not a matter of oh maybe this or this, or even this this or this. I have nothing. No direction. And I have been at university for 4 fucking years now wasting time and money doing something I am not even sure I will continue to do once I finish. I have changed courses so many times I lose credibility the moment I am asked, and I was almost even denied entry into ADFA (I was thankfully approved - but other circumstances led to me not going - exactly my fn point) because I have changed my mind so much.
To date, I have enrolled in:
B Behavioural Science
B Technology
B Multimedia
B Biomedical Science
B Mass Communication

And every god damn fn time I still have the same problems. I think what has snapped now is that I have lasted so long, pushing it deep down for the last 3 years in this course.

I do not love what I am doing. And this just pisses me off so much. I hate that I do not feel passionate about my degree, what I even hate more is that I am not proud of myself.

I hate that my uni experience so far has been the worst times of my life. I hate hearing people say how great uni is or was when I think its the most horrible fn situation I have ever been in.

I hate that I feel like I am supposed to do something so much better. It makes my blood boil and eyes water thinking that I am doing a degree any fn person can do, when I am so much better than it.

I hate that I got an OP 7, yet I am doing a degree for OP 20s. I hate that I know I am smarter than OP 7, but during high school I simply stopped trying or didn't bother attending. I hate that I got addicted to World of Warcraft and I hate that I am writing this on an atheist forum that I spend more time watching than I do any other sole activity in my life. I spend more time on this forum than I do even thinking about uni, and I hate that I have 4 assignments due yet here I am, reading and posting on this forum.

I hate that I have spent so long being unmotivated. I hate that I am still un-motivated to even look up my classes on the internet when I couldn't be bothered going to the real thing. I hate that I hate uni.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to be. I wish to the god's I don't even believe in that I could turn back time or just be someone else.

I don't care how cocky this sounds, but I am smart, and I know I should be a bloody doctor, or scientist, and I was going to be, but as usual, I stopped attending, I had no motivation, and I changed courses.

Grrrrrrrrrr. I am just so bloody frustrated at it all. I just wish I had the common sense I always tell everybody else to use.

Anyways, I really just had to get that out. There was so much more I need(ed) to write, but I had to keep pausing as I wrote that so I could think clearly and I've forgotten it / bottled it back up. I am not even really sure if there was a question in there at all, but well, you are the only forum I post on so you got stuck with it.

I do feel kinda better now though, although I wish I was stronger to deal with it all.

Gah see listen to me, I hate that I always wish for things.

I suck

[SinisterDexter]

Hi Generic Box. I know we have clashed on things in the past - but I know where you are.

In 2005 I finished by International Studies degree and was working in Corporate Social Responsibility - what should have been my dream job. Except it wasn't.

I underwent a period of extreme depression and self doubt. I simply couldn't function day to day and, in the end, I voluntarily dropped down to a position well below my capabilities because I just couldn't cope.

I knew, and know, I was/am smarter than that - but I just didn't know where I fit into the overall picture. I felt betrayed by what I thought was going to be a way of helping others, but ended up being just as shallow as anything else. I was lost.

In many ways I still am.

I don't have any magical cures though. At the end of the day you need to realise that lost is not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has doubts, and many of us doubt all the time.

The fact that you are confused is probably a tribute to how intelligent you actually are.

But the thing on your side is time.

I know it feels like you have to be everything you can be yesterday. But you don't.

There's a feeling of urgency that lies below the modern milieu. It pervades everything we do and it lurks beneath our conscious mind. Just ignore it.

You don't need to be anything in particular. I am a skeptic, atheist, wargamer, roleplayer, Bachelor of International Studies, writer, brother, father, son, clerk, retail assisatant, manager, CSR consultant, academic, painter, etc. None of these are everything I am, but all of them are part of it. You are not, and never will be, defined by what you do.

I know it sounds ridiculously Zen, but in the end it is the journey that counts. Every new skill you pick up, every new thing you learn, every new person you meet and every new experience you have will never add up to the destination you reach. Savour the journey. If you finish your Uni course, it will not be the certificate at the end that matters - it is the stuff you did on the way to receiving it.

I'm not sure if any of that will help you. But I hope it might.

[cheree]

You dont suck. And you arent alone.
I see this all the time, and have experienced it myself. You have depression.
And it is sometimes the hardest thing to get over.
You cant find the motivation to get up and change anything, and so your life spirals downward, and out of control.
1 thing leads to another, and before you know it, you cant get out of bed.

The important thing to remember is that there are so many people that are in the same boat, and you have accomplished a lot. You are at uni, and even though you think you have chopped and changed too many times; there are some people I know that have changed course even more than that.
There are people who leave school when they are 14 or earlier and work in medial and unsatisfactory jobs that they cant change.

You have something that you enjoy, which is coming on here and having a chat. (Im glad that your around, as my ali)

As i said before, Its difficult when you are in a blue funk to snap your fingers and get better. No one seems to understand and they all tell you to get over it and lighten up.
I think the best thing you can do is see your gp and have a chat... It might just be that you are low on seratonin (the happy hormone) or you could have a vitamin deficiency thats making you feel down.

Either way, if it is a physical problem, you may just need a jump start to get you up and going, once you get your mind clear, you will be supprised with how much you can do to turn it all around.

[SinisterDexter]

Cheree also has a point. If you are seriously having problems functioning, then talking to your GP is a good idea.

I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy to get through (you never get over) my depression.

It seems silly. It seems beneath you. You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

Depression is a bitch.

[cheree]

Originally Posted by SinisterDexter

Cheree also has a point. If you are seriously having problems functioning, then talking to your GP is a good idea.

I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy to get through (you never get over) my depression.

It seems silly. It seems beneath you. You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

Depression is a bitch.

It certainly is dex. Although, I prefer the term Asshole to more acurately describe it. Bitch is too feminine.

[GenericBox]

You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

But I should be able to. That is half of what is so frustrating. I get frustrated that I cannot think my way out of it.

Another part is just how much time I feel like I've wasted. I graduated high school in 2005, started uni at 17 in 2006. I started doing Behavioural Science, got scared, and left during Orientation week. Then I did Technology, followed by Multimedia, for only 1 semester, then I did Biomedical Science, and I loved it - but again, quit after a semester. Now I am doing Mass Communication - and any of my friends will tell you how much I shouldn't be doing it.

But I was/is (I have failed 2 classes - 1 because I never went, and the other because I stopped going half way through the semester and didn't hand in an assignment worth 50% which I didn't even know was due because I didn't go) supposed to finish this year. But now I will have to stay back yet another year.

And if I do start another degree now, thats 4 years of nothing, but horrible memories, and a shitload of HELP debt. Or, if I just bottle it up and keep going like I am going, I might finish mid-next year. Then if I start again the year after - that means I will be at uni for 10 fn years... Without then considering and masters or post study.

The question I really need to ask is, should I keep doing something I like, but not love, to just 'finish'; or should I do what I love, and waste 4 years of my life?

[GenericBox]

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

I don't know. Tonight is just one of those nights. I know I will wake up tomorrow and still feel the same, but I will just ignore it or bottle it up. Another thing that pisses me off is how much I sleep. I will probably not wake up tomorrow until 1pm. And thats frustrating as hell - and that is sleeping through all 3 of my alarms.

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk to and I don't know about the doctor. I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).

The problem is I need to think but the same problems rise tomorrow, then the next day, then the next. Theres no end.

I like to think I am very rationalist, and what adds to the frustration is that I can rationalise myself out of it.

[GenericBox]

What really frustrates me is that I really thought this was all because of World of Warcraft. I was addicted - I am talking about having two computers, with one AT LEAST playing WoW for 8-10 hours straight. I have been feeling this way since I then really. About 5-6 years now. I stopped playing this year, and thought that was it. But here I am.

I blame WoW for everything and that pisses me off. I blame it for my drop in high school scores (perhaps the most "evident" of my blames - I went from straight A's (perhaps 1 B) to C's with perhaps 1 B in the matter of a year), and everything.

I guess I add to the figure that said people who play WoW are most likely to suffer from depression.

Just another note though. I dunno about the doctor, just seems like a waste of time. I mean, I know I am feeling depressed, I know why to some extent, I can think and understand the origins of these feelings (a little too personal to post on a forum), so I just don't see the need. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself your deficient of anything.

I don't know. Ugh, thats all I can say. I just don't know.

[SinisterDexter]

Originally Posted by GenericBox

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

I don't know. Tonight is just one of those nights. I know I will wake up tomorrow and still feel the same, but I will just ignore it or bottle it up. Another thing that pisses me off is how much I sleep. I will probably not wake up tomorrow until 1pm. And thats frustrating as hell - and that is sleeping through all 3 of my alarms.

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk to and I don't know about the doctor. I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).

These are two classic symptoms of depression.

You don't have to use drugs to treat depression either. Cognitive behavioural therapy is basically just chatting to a therapist. It seems stupid and redundent, but believe me, having done it, it does actually work.

Have a chat to your GP about how you're feeling.

The problem is I need to think but the same problems rise tomorrow, then the next day, then the next. Theres no end.

I like to think I am very rationalist, and what adds to the frustration is that I can rationalise myself out of it.

I am just about as rational as they come, and believe me, you can't think your way through it - not at the place you are now.

[Vonnie]

Originally Posted by GenericBox

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

Jamie, those are classic symptoms of depression. I'm not saying that you do have depression - only a medical practitioner can tell you for sure - but it's almost always the case that the depressed person doesn't realise that they have depression (the first time. After that, they generally know the symptoms. Depression does not mean sitting around crying all the time. In fact, that's very rare.)

Regarding your various courses for the various degrees that you have started but not finished - can't you get credits for at least some of them, to go towards another course? (I don't know enough about this, and I'm sure you've considered it anyway.)

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk to

Good move!

I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).

Jamie, don't take this the wrong way, but I can't see a rational reason for this. It would be different if you had to decide between treatment for a condition where the side effects of the medication were worse than the condition... but Panadol?

Regarding you not wanting to see a doctor... I don't think you are the best qualified person to judge whether or not you should see one. Why not make an appointment, tell the doctor that your friends think that you're depressed but that you don't particularly think so, and let the doctor take it from there. I know you say you don't like drugs, but our body is run by drugs/chemicals; it produces it's own - of course, when they're naturally produced, they are called hormones, neurotransmitters and stuff, but seretonin, dopamine and other chemicals which affect our "happiness" levels are really just drugs - and sometimes, there can be imbalances of these chemicals... and that's where antidepressants come in. The new generation of antidepressants have few side affects and you can function as a completely "normal" person while they do their stuff. They do take time to kick in, though - up to 2 weeks. So, if your doctor decides that you do need them, it's better to get started sooner than later.

Try this Interactive Depression Checklist at Beyond Blue: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=89.610

By the way, it's good that you're talking about it! Depressed people can hit a point of no return, but those who talk about things rarely get that far.

Vonnie