Atheist Humour XXX

[Etheist]

There's a plane flying overhead. And on the plane is a pilot, a priest, a lawyer and a social worker with a couple of kids.

About halfway into the journey one of the engine's catches on fire! Then all of a sudden the cockpit door flies open! And there's the pilot, standing there, with a parachute in either hand.

'This plane's going down' he says to the passengers as he throws one of the parachutes at their feet.

'This parachutes mine' he says. Then he points to the parachute on the floor and says 'You decide who gets that one'.

The pilot then jumps out of the plane.

The passengers are in shock. They don't know what to do.

The social worker gets hysterical and shouts 'WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THE CHILDREN'!!!!!

The lawyer replies 'Nah, fuck 'em. Fuck the children'.

And the priest says 'Have we got time?' :D:eek::D:eek::D:eek::D:eek::D:eek:

[Skyblues]

hehe X rated indeed:)...wood allen tells:

i am anxious, sweating all over, i have to know the meaning of life, i see a synagogue, i barge in, i see a rabbi, i run towards him, "father father tell me the meaning of life, what is the meaning of life", he tells me!! but in hebrew!!!! i cant understand, i want to understand, what is the meaning of life, then he wants to charge me 600$ for hebrew lessons:)...

[Kid]

laughed and laughed...nice one Etheist! (Should one laugh at such jokes? Does this make me a sicko? I am a sicko!!! YES!!!)

[atomac]

Good one. I'll have to remember it.

[alanqui]

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?" The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

[davo]

ROTFLMAO !!

[Etheist]

I pinched this one off the net, but it's pretty good...

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, rum, vodka and cola. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Duffy]

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

That's the best yet. Thanks:D

[Etheist]

Jesus walks into a hotel.

He hands the innkeeper three nails and says...

"Can you put me up for the night?"

[His Noodly Appendage]

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.

And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.

And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

And there followed a whizzing sound, and a terrible cracking, and the woman fell to the ground, blood pouring from her head and a stone lying beside her.

Jesus saw the stone, and cried out unto the people there gathered, saying:

"MUM! Dammit, I was TRYING to make a POINT here!"

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

Then there was the horde of zombies that wandered into a pentecostal church.

Nobody noticed them, because everybody had their hands stretched out and was making funny noises.

What happened? Of course the zombies starved...
http://www.gilesgoatboy.org/homeless_zombie.jpg

[Etheist]

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”

She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second you have to be Catholic.”

Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alleyway over there.”

The cab driver pulled into the alleyway and the nun went to it. Soon after the nun was finished, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Jeff and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

[Free Brain Removal]

Define powerless.

Adelaide in a heatwave with privatised electricity..

Couldn't help myself.

[Free Brain Removal]

Sorry, that jokes not allowed.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?







A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

[Free Brain Removal]

A man is walking through the woods at night with a little boy.

BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about. I have to walk home alone..."

[Fiery]

Discussion about the inappropriateness of certain types of humor has been moved to this thread (http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/forums/showthread.php?t=305) called homophobia, intollerance and inappropriate (?) humor. Let's keep this one for the fun stuff.

[davo]

A drunk bloke is sitting out on the gutter in front of a pub, looking pretty under the weather ... when another fella comes by and asks if he's O.K.

The drunk stands up, staggers, looks the fella right in the eye and says, "Do you know who I am?"

The bloke says, "No, sorry, who are you?"

The drunk stands up proudly and declares, "I'm Jesus Christ!"

The bloke smiles, saying 'Sure you are ...'

The drunk gets a little haughty, and states 'I can prove it! Come with me!"

They enter the pub, and starting walking to the bar, when the bartender looks up and yells,

"Jesus Christ! I thought we got rid of you?"

[Duffy]

A drunk bloke is sitting out on the gutter in front of a pub, looking pretty under the weather ... when another fella comes by and asks if he's O.K.

The drunk stands up, staggers, looks the fella right in the eye and says, "Do you know who I am?"

The bloke says, "No, sorry, who are you?"

The drunk stands up proudly and declares, "I'm Jesus Christ!"

The bloke smiles, saying 'Sure you are ...'

The drunk gets a little haughty, and states 'I can prove it! Come with me!"

They enter the pub, and starting walking to the bar, when the bartender looks up and yells,

"Jesus Christ! I thought we got rid of you?"

LOL...but wait...if I laugh am I showing an insensitivity to the real problem of alcoholism and its social impact? ...oh no..I'm so confused:confused:

[Fiery]

Oh NooOOOES!! I was laughing too!!! SHIT!! And you know what else? I know this 20 year old gay, formerly suicidal, atheist blogger who just admitted he was an alcoholic. It's all my fault because of laughing at this joke. DUFFY!! HELP ME !!!! What do I do?

[Elbert]

Oh NooOOOES!! I was laughing too!!! SHIT!! And you know what else? I know this 20 year old gay, formerly suicidal, atheist blogger who just admitted he was an alcoholic. It's all my fault because of laughing at this joke. DUFFY!! HELP ME !!!! What do I do?
Too late, Fiery, you are going to hell to writhe for eternity in fiery torment.:cool:

[Duffy]

Oh NooOOOES!! I was laughing too!!! SHIT!! And you know what else? I know this 20 year old gay, formerly suicidal, atheist blogger who just admitted he was an alcoholic. It's all my fault because of laughing at this joke. DUFFY!! HELP ME !!!! What do I do?

Fiery, you may be also responsible for global warming. I'll check in the tabloids tomorrow and let you know.;)

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

Fiery, you may be also responsible for global warming. I'll check in the tabloids tomorrow and let you know.;)

Nah, that's friction from my mother spinning in her grave.

[Fiery]

Cheers Mr. Black! Sides hurt from laughing so hard!! :)

[davo]

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than a God

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to make them drink it.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

1. You can prove you have a Beer.


Let's make it a top 20!!

[M0381U5]

4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer!

Oooh thats a long wait hehehe

[Duffy]

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than a God

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

Ever been to a B&S ball at Goondawindi?:D

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

No, just for how long;)


8. Beer has never caused a major war.

Been known to make to the Duffy's very honest and on the brink of it;)

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

Ever been to a B&S ball at Goondawindi?:D

6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to make them drink it.

Ever been to a B&S ball at Goondawindi?:D

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.

Have heard arguments over beer snobbery but torture? No.

4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.

It only feels like a 2000 years.

3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.

But I looked, there aren't any chicks in my Pure Blonde?

2. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Wives maybe?

1. You can prove you have a Beer.

Beer amnesia to following morning?

Ha Ha only joking:D That was fun.

[Free Brain Removal]

You don't have to get out of bed to enjoy your beer at 7am on a Sunday morning.

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

Beer is like god.

1. Blackie is allergic to it.
2. Too much of it and most people hurl.
3. Dedication to beer prevents some people having sex.
4. There's a lot of people making money selling beer.
5. Those folks that make their own: cultists, or what?
6. People have visions in the presence of beer: double ones.
7. "Kum Ba Yah" and beer-drinking songs: compare and discuss.
8. Beer can cause swollen bellies in virgins too.
9. Some people start on beer and wind up falling down with spirits.
10. Staunch defenders of beer will want to kill me too, now.

[davo]

http://axxs.org/images-dave/summing-up-the-bible.jpg

[davo]

eB6vPwwBGGs

[two dogs]

...
Once alive, I will kill myself ...
...But only temporarily... :)

[Duffy]

eB6vPwwBGGs

hahahaha oh please stop, I think I've just wet myself:D

[Fiery]

Davo you are the absolute tops. I am putting the first "Ta Dah" up on my blog, with credit to you of course. And that video. SMASHING Fun!!!!! Seriously. Caught me totally off guard. Wish I had been filming my reaction, it was priceless.


Psst. Elbert. Don't tell Satan I'm looking forward to Friday, mkay? ;)

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

Psst. Elbert. Don't tell Satan I'm looking forward to Friday, mkay? ;)

Okay, that's sodomy covered. That "Gomorrahy" stuff must be a real shocker, because NOBODY dares mention it.

[davo]

Davo you are the absolute tops. I am putting the first "Ta Dah" up on my blog, with credit to you of course. And that video. SMASHING Fun!!!!! Seriously. Caught me totally off guard. Wish I had been filming my reaction, it was priceless.


the Ta Dahh! I found on the web, not mine, so I presume no credit needed as far as I can see, if someone complains, give credit or remove it depending on what they want .. I don't think that would happen tho!

[Fiery]

Okay, that's sodomy covered. That "Gomorrahy" stuff must be a real shocker, because NOBODY dares mention it.:eek:

HEY!!! I thought Friday was about Shopping and getting a wardrobe make-over and watching the Wizard of Oz while dressed up like Dorothy all while listening to the soundtracks of various Broadway Musicals!!!!!! :confused:

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

:eek:

HEY!!! I thought Friday was about Shopping and getting a wardrobe make-over and watching the Wizard of Oz while dressed up like Dorothy all while listening to the soundtracks of various Broadway Musicals!!!!!! :confused:
Nah, that would be my missus. She tolerates my dislike of show tunes as long as I keep her supplied with DVDs of Broadwayish stuff to watch while I'm out of the house.

My perversion is Sweet Mustard Pickle. No, I eat it.

[Fiery]

:eek:

HEY!!! I thought Friday was about Shopping and getting a wardrobe make-over and watching the Wizard of Oz while dressed up like Dorothy all while listening to the soundtracks of various Broadway Musicals!!!!!! :confused:

I kid, I KID!!!!! LOL what I described sounds like hell to me. At least the middle bits of wardrobe make over, Wizard of Oz, Blue Ginham and most Broadway musicals. ;) Just takin' the piss. ;)

[Duffy]

I kid, I KID!!!!! LOL what I described sounds like hell to me. At least the middle bits of wardrobe make over, Wizard of Oz, Blue Ginham and most Broadway musicals. ;) Just takin' the piss. ;)

Hi Fiery, I like stereotypes, they're practical. They save me from having to think for myself.;)

[Fiery]

Duffy- took me a while to come up with those. Didn't really come off the way I'd hoped, but. *shrugs*

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

This may offend the Church Ladies (you know who you are!), but I love Dave Sherrill (http://subweird.livejournal.com/215865.html)'s cartoonery.

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b76/subweird/4-SAR-WEBSIZE.png
This guy deserves some support: I'd love to pay him to produce some tracts to go up against the JackChickery of the opposition.

[Duffy]

Just a bit of naive tech envy Mr Black, but is the comic computer generated? Because it looks hand drawn. Yes, I really don't know much about this stuff.

[The Irreverent Mr Black]

Just a bit of naive tech envy Mr Black, but is the comic computer generated? Because it looks hand drawn. Yes, I really don't know much about this stuff.

Looks hand-drawn, Duffy. It may be that the artist uses a drawing tablet (http://graphicssoft.about.com/od/aboutgraphics/a/graphicstablets.htm), or that he scans a hand-drawn piece and uses Photoshop, GIMP (http://www.gimp.org/) or another graphics package to tidy up and add his shading.

(This gave me an excuse to go back over Dave's blog and look at earlier work. He definitely starts things in pencil.)

We have a tablet, but both Herself and I have found we prefer the old methods.

Here's a purely-by-tablet thingy I did last year.
http://rynosseros.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/radio-gah-gah_sml.jpg

[Duffy]

Here's a purely-by-tablet thingy I did last year.
http://rynosseros.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/radio-gah-gah_sml.jpg

Yeah That's what I'm used to seeing with computer drawing.