I need help

[GenericBox]

Well... It's kinda tough for me to write this but here goes.

I have been a little depressed of late. Well, alot mostly. But even I am having trouble keeping up with how I am feeling some days.

For the most, it's about uni. I was perhaps understating it when I wrote on my bio I am a 'little lost'. I am in fact alot lost, I am freaking Tom Hanks Cast Away lost. And it pisses me off.

You will have to forgive me for jumping all over the place but I am trying to write it as it comes.

I am frustrated that I have no freaking idea what I want to do. I have simply no idea. It's not a matter of oh maybe this or this, or even this this or this. I have nothing. No direction. And I have been at university for 4 fucking years now wasting time and money doing something I am not even sure I will continue to do once I finish. I have changed courses so many times I lose credibility the moment I am asked, and I was almost even denied entry into ADFA (I was thankfully approved - but other circumstances led to me not going - exactly my fn point) because I have changed my mind so much.
To date, I have enrolled in:
B Behavioural Science
B Technology
B Multimedia
B Biomedical Science
B Mass Communication

And every god damn fn time I still have the same problems. I think what has snapped now is that I have lasted so long, pushing it deep down for the last 3 years in this course.

I do not love what I am doing. And this just pisses me off so much. I hate that I do not feel passionate about my degree, what I even hate more is that I am not proud of myself.

I hate that my uni experience so far has been the worst times of my life. I hate hearing people say how great uni is or was when I think its the most horrible fn situation I have ever been in.

I hate that I feel like I am supposed to do something so much better. It makes my blood boil and eyes water thinking that I am doing a degree any fn person can do, when I am so much better than it.

I hate that I got an OP 7, yet I am doing a degree for OP 20s. I hate that I know I am smarter than OP 7, but during high school I simply stopped trying or didn't bother attending. I hate that I got addicted to World of Warcraft and I hate that I am writing this on an atheist forum that I spend more time watching than I do any other sole activity in my life. I spend more time on this forum than I do even thinking about uni, and I hate that I have 4 assignments due yet here I am, reading and posting on this forum.

I hate that I have spent so long being unmotivated. I hate that I am still un-motivated to even look up my classes on the internet when I couldn't be bothered going to the real thing. I hate that I hate uni.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to be. I wish to the god's I don't even believe in that I could turn back time or just be someone else.

I don't care how cocky this sounds, but I am smart, and I know I should be a bloody doctor, or scientist, and I was going to be, but as usual, I stopped attending, I had no motivation, and I changed courses.

Grrrrrrrrrr. I am just so bloody frustrated at it all. I just wish I had the common sense I always tell everybody else to use.

Anyways, I really just had to get that out. There was so much more I need(ed) to write, but I had to keep pausing as I wrote that so I could think clearly and I've forgotten it / bottled it back up. I am not even really sure if there was a question in there at all, but well, you are the only forum I post on so you got stuck with it.

I do feel kinda better now though, although I wish I was stronger to deal with it all.

Gah see listen to me, I hate that I always wish for things.

I suck

[SinisterDexter]

Hi Generic Box. I know we have clashed on things in the past - but I know where you are.

In 2005 I finished by International Studies degree and was working in Corporate Social Responsibility - what should have been my dream job. Except it wasn't.

I underwent a period of extreme depression and self doubt. I simply couldn't function day to day and, in the end, I voluntarily dropped down to a position well below my capabilities because I just couldn't cope.

I knew, and know, I was/am smarter than that - but I just didn't know where I fit into the overall picture. I felt betrayed by what I thought was going to be a way of helping others, but ended up being just as shallow as anything else. I was lost.

In many ways I still am.

I don't have any magical cures though. At the end of the day you need to realise that lost is not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has doubts, and many of us doubt all the time.

The fact that you are confused is probably a tribute to how intelligent you actually are.

But the thing on your side is time.

I know it feels like you have to be everything you can be yesterday. But you don't.

There's a feeling of urgency that lies below the modern milieu. It pervades everything we do and it lurks beneath our conscious mind. Just ignore it.

You don't need to be anything in particular. I am a skeptic, atheist, wargamer, roleplayer, Bachelor of International Studies, writer, brother, father, son, clerk, retail assisatant, manager, CSR consultant, academic, painter, etc. None of these are everything I am, but all of them are part of it. You are not, and never will be, defined by what you do.

I know it sounds ridiculously Zen, but in the end it is the journey that counts. Every new skill you pick up, every new thing you learn, every new person you meet and every new experience you have will never add up to the destination you reach. Savour the journey. If you finish your Uni course, it will not be the certificate at the end that matters - it is the stuff you did on the way to receiving it.

I'm not sure if any of that will help you. But I hope it might.

[cheree]

You dont suck. And you arent alone.
I see this all the time, and have experienced it myself. You have depression.
And it is sometimes the hardest thing to get over.
You cant find the motivation to get up and change anything, and so your life spirals downward, and out of control.
1 thing leads to another, and before you know it, you cant get out of bed.

The important thing to remember is that there are so many people that are in the same boat, and you have accomplished a lot. You are at uni, and even though you think you have chopped and changed too many times; there are some people I know that have changed course even more than that.
There are people who leave school when they are 14 or earlier and work in medial and unsatisfactory jobs that they cant change.

You have something that you enjoy, which is coming on here and having a chat. (Im glad that your around, as my ali);)

As i said before, Its difficult when you are in a blue funk to snap your fingers and get better. No one seems to understand and they all tell you to get over it and lighten up.
I think the best thing you can do is see your gp and have a chat... It might just be that you are low on seratonin (the happy hormone) or you could have a vitamin deficiency thats making you feel down.

Either way, if it is a physical problem, you may just need a jump start to get you up and going, once you get your mind clear, you will be supprised with how much you can do to turn it all around.:):):)

[Vonnie]

Geez, Jamie! That's no bloody good, mate! We all get down from time to time. But - are you up and down and all over the place (pretty normal)? Or are you just pretty much just down all the time (in which case maybe you need to see a doctor for anti-depressants, or something)?

It's really late, and I don't have much advice to give right now... but one thing, off the top of my head... have you considered teaching, like, a primary school teacher, or something?

I hate to be disparaging of teachers, but so many of them are just, well, plain dumb. Yep, stupid. One doesn't need a very high OP to be a teacher these days, and it's sickening. But, we desperately need teachers who do have good brains in their heads.

When I was young, you had to have top grades to become a teacher, and it was a respected field. These days, it seems that teaching is a job of last resort for those whose grades weren't good enough for anything else.

I'd love to see the rot stopped, and get people with brains back into teaching our kids.

Also, there is a desperate need for male teachers. There are only 2 male teachers are my kids' school.

I know that you'd be appreciated and the kids would love you.

Have you given it any thought?

Vonnie

[SinisterDexter]

Cheree also has a point. If you are seriously having problems functioning, then talking to your GP is a good idea.

I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy to get through (you never get over) my depression.

It seems silly. It seems beneath you. You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

Depression is a bitch.

[cheree]

Cheree also has a point. If you are seriously having problems functioning, then talking to your GP is a good idea.

I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy to get through (you never get over) my depression.

It seems silly. It seems beneath you. You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

Depression is a bitch.

It certainly is dex. Although, I prefer the term Asshole to more acurately describe it. Bitch is too feminine.:p

[GenericBox]

You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.


But I should be able to. That is half of what is so frustrating. I get frustrated that I cannot think my way out of it.

Another part is just how much time I feel like I've wasted. I graduated high school in 2005, started uni at 17 in 2006. I started doing Behavioural Science, got scared, and left during Orientation week. Then I did Technology, followed by Multimedia, for only 1 semester, then I did Biomedical Science, and I loved it - but again, quit after a semester. Now I am doing Mass Communication - and any of my friends will tell you how much I shouldn't be doing it.

But I was/is (I have failed 2 classes - 1 because I never went, and the other because I stopped going half way through the semester and didn't hand in an assignment worth 50% which I didn't even know was due because I didn't go) supposed to finish this year. But now I will have to stay back yet another year.

And if I do start another degree now, thats 4 years of nothing, but horrible memories, and a shitload of HELP debt. Or, if I just bottle it up and keep going like I am going, I might finish mid-next year. Then if I start again the year after - that means I will be at uni for 10 fn years... Without then considering and masters or post study.

The question I really need to ask is, should I keep doing something I like, but not love, to just 'finish'; or should I do what I love, and waste 4 years of my life?

[GenericBox]

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

I don't know. Tonight is just one of those nights. I know I will wake up tomorrow and still feel the same, but I will just ignore it or bottle it up. Another thing that pisses me off is how much I sleep. I will probably not wake up tomorrow until 1pm. And thats frustrating as hell - and that is sleeping through all 3 of my alarms.

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk to and I don't know about the doctor. I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).

The problem is I need to think but the same problems rise tomorrow, then the next day, then the next. Theres no end.

I like to think I am very rationalist, and what adds to the frustration is that I can rationalise myself out of it.

[GenericBox]

What really frustrates me is that I really thought this was all because of World of Warcraft. I was addicted - I am talking about having two computers, with one AT LEAST playing WoW for 8-10 hours straight. I have been feeling this way since I then really. About 5-6 years now. I stopped playing this year, and thought that was it. But here I am.

I blame WoW for everything and that pisses me off. I blame it for my drop in high school scores (perhaps the most "evident" of my blames - I went from straight A's (perhaps 1 B) to C's with perhaps 1 B in the matter of a year), and everything.

I guess I add to the figure that said people who play WoW are most likely to suffer from depression.

Just another note though. I dunno about the doctor, just seems like a waste of time. I mean, I know I am feeling depressed, I know why to some extent, I can think and understand the origins of these feelings (a little too personal to post on a forum), so I just don't see the need. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself your deficient of anything.

I don't know. Ugh, thats all I can say. I just don't know.

[Fearless]

WoW hey, interesting as I have sort of stopped playing just recently after 3.5 years of heavy gameplay. I have a depressive nature but only because I am very giving of myself moreso and let people walk all over me to a point where it gets out of my control.

I know plenty of ex WoW players who had to give it up so they didn't destroy their education. I am 34 and working so I don't really have that extra stresser on my life so I sort of justified playing it for hours on end in my spare time as a "hobby". I have refocused my 'spare' time building a website and forum and will be starting up my own e-business soon... it is occupying my time and you know what? I don't miss WoW and feel that I have something meaningful to focus on now.

I am currently on an anti depressant due to serial workplace bullying where I work. I broke down a few months back and went to see my GP, she sent me to a psychiatrist who listened to what I was going through and he put me on workcover and has given me support and direction, he also put me onto another expert who has been able to motivate me and now I have my future as clear as it can be, whereas before I was pretty lost as you seem to be.

In a matter of weeks I have built a new website, forums and I am currently working on a business plan. Don't look at it as weakness, look at it as needing just a little bit of support and help so you can get back on track and find balance again. I was reluctant to take anti depressants but I know it wont be forever, it is just to help take the edge off and help carry me through a difficult time.

Oh and my work contested my claim of workplace bullying, they appointed an investigator who drilled me for 6 hours and sent me to their own independant psych and after all the money they have spent trying to disprove me it has backfired on them as I kept records and notes on everything and they couldn't deny it...

... my new website and forums? it is to assist aussie workers (conveniently called aussieworkers) which provides supports and networking etc... so basically I have taken a negative and turned it into a positive in trying to help others. It is only new and hasn't got a flow of traffic yet but I know it will. But I have found my passion again.

Asking for help is more of a strength than a weakness... it shows that you are able to identify and manage your wellbeing, doctors and specialists will not judge you, they should actually support you. Take a chance.. if you are not comfortable then you don't have to continue.

Don't let it consume you.

All the best.

[SinisterDexter]

But I should be able to. That is half of what is so frustrating. I get frustrated that I cannot think my way out of it.

Another part is just how much time I feel like I've wasted. I graduated high school in 2005, started uni at 17 in 2006. I started doing Behavioural Science, got scared, and left during Orientation week. Then I did Technology, followed by Multimedia, for only 1 semester, then I did Biomedical Science, and I loved it - but again, quit after a semester. Now I am doing Mass Communication - and any of my friends will tell you how much I shouldn't be doing it.

I went to Uni straight out of school and did a year of Arts (because I didn't know what else to do), then six months of Management (which I hated) before spending 4 years in retail. I then went back and spent 5 years doing my B.Int.Stud part time. I am now considering going back and doing my Dip.Ed.

But I was/is (I have failed 2 classes - 1 because I never went, and the other because I stopped going half way through the semester and didn't hand in an assignment worth 50% which I didn't even know was due because I didn't go) supposed to finish this year. But now I will have to stay back yet another year.

This is all scheduling and stuff that you could have avoided. I know it is tough to get through - but at the end of the day you need to decide whether you want it enough.

And if I do start another degree now, thats 4 years of nothing, but horrible memories, and a shitload of HELP debt. Or, if I just bottle it up and keep going like I am going, I might finish mid-next year. Then if I start again the year after - that means I will be at uni for 10 fn years... Without then considering and masters or post study.

The question I really need to ask is, should I keep doing something I like, but not love, to just 'finish'; or should I do what I love, and waste 4 years of my life?

No-one but you can, ultimately, answer this question. But you shouldn't make it in the head space you're in right now.

My advice is to defer next semester. Take some time to get yourself right emotionally, and then make a decision.

But if I'm not mistaken, you're fairly young. Don't stress the HELP debt - you'll never notice it later. And you have plenty of time to decide.

[SinisterDexter]

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

I don't know. Tonight is just one of those nights. I know I will wake up tomorrow and still feel the same, but I will just ignore it or bottle it up. Another thing that pisses me off is how much I sleep. I will probably not wake up tomorrow until 1pm. And thats frustrating as hell - and that is sleeping through all 3 of my alarms.

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk to and I don't know about the doctor. I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).

These are two classic symptoms of depression.

You don't have to use drugs to treat depression either. Cognitive behavioural therapy is basically just chatting to a therapist. It seems stupid and redundent, but believe me, having done it, it does actually work.

Have a chat to your GP about how you're feeling.

The problem is I need to think but the same problems rise tomorrow, then the next day, then the next. Theres no end.

I like to think I am very rationalist, and what adds to the frustration is that I can rationalise myself out of it.

I am just about as rational as they come, and believe me, you can't think your way through it - not at the place you are now.

[SinisterDexter]

What really frustrates me is that I really thought this was all because of World of Warcraft. I was addicted - I am talking about having two computers, with one AT LEAST playing WoW for 8-10 hours straight. I have been feeling this way since I then really. About 5-6 years now. I stopped playing this year, and thought that was it. But here I am.

I blame WoW for everything and that pisses me off. I blame it for my drop in high school scores (perhaps the most "evident" of my blames - I went from straight A's (perhaps 1 B) to C's with perhaps 1 B in the matter of a year), and everything.

I guess I add to the figure that said people who play WoW are most likely to suffer from depression.

Just another note though. I dunno about the doctor, just seems like a waste of time. I mean, I know I am feeling depressed, I know why to some extent, I can think and understand the origins of these feelings (a little too personal to post on a forum), so I just don't see the need. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself your deficient of anything.

I don't know. Ugh, thats all I can say. I just don't know.

I felt exactly the same way about the doctor. And this was even after supporting my partner through depression and anxiety disorder.

My depression wasn't as bad as her's, but it was bad enough, and it effected me deeply and profoundly - and everything you have just said resonates deeply with what I went through.

I know it seems silly and that you don't want to. I know you feel as if you are 'above' psychologists and should be able to think your own way through it. I know that you feel admitting the weakness to others is demeaning and that it might make them look down on you, or see you as less intelligent than you are. I did.

But if you stick it out without help it will get worse. Some days I got to the door of work and then turned around and went home. Some days I just couldn't get out of bed.

It's great that you reached out to this board and this community - but please, please don't make us your last resource.

Talk to your GP about it.

[Vonnie]

I suppose I am in denial. I don't think I am depressed. I mean. I appear happy to most people.... I don't feel down unless I think about it. I mean like, I function most days without even thinking about it. I just breeze through, but that just adds to my frustration, I hate that I do that.

Jamie, those are classic symptoms of depression. I'm not saying that you do have depression - only a medical practitioner can tell you for sure - but it's almost always the case that the depressed person doesn't realise that they have depression (the first time. After that, they generally know the symptoms. Depression does not mean sitting around crying all the time. In fact, that's very rare.)

Regarding your various courses for the various degrees that you have started but not finished - can't you get credits for at least some of them, to go towards another course? (I don't know enough about this, and I'm sure you've considered it anyway.)

Anyway, I've emailed the uni to see who I should talk toGood move!

I hate drugs, I honestly do not even take panadol for headaches (I just bear through it or I am fairly confident I can block out the pain mostly).Jamie, don't take this the wrong way, but I can't see a rational reason for this. It would be different if you had to decide between treatment for a condition where the side effects of the medication were worse than the condition... but Panadol? :confused:

Regarding you not wanting to see a doctor... I don't think you are the best qualified person to judge whether or not you should see one. Why not make an appointment, tell the doctor that your friends think that you're depressed but that you don't particularly think so, and let the doctor take it from there. I know you say you don't like drugs, but our body is run by drugs/chemicals; it produces it's own - of course, when they're naturally produced, they are called hormones, neurotransmitters and stuff, but seretonin, dopamine and other chemicals which affect our "happiness" levels are really just drugs - and sometimes, there can be imbalances of these chemicals... and that's where antidepressants come in. The new generation of antidepressants have few side affects and you can function as a completely "normal" person while they do their stuff. They do take time to kick in, though - up to 2 weeks. So, if your doctor decides that you do need them, it's better to get started sooner than later.

Try this Interactive Depression Checklist at Beyond Blue: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=89.610

By the way, it's good that you're talking about it! Depressed people can hit a point of no return, but those who talk about things rarely get that far.

Vonnie

[GenericBox]

Well I woke up at 10am. Thats early for me. I guess its time I went and saw a doctor. The only thing thats really stopping me is that I live with my mum, so she'd eventually find out, and I don't want to tell her about this.

Well, mainly because its embarrassing. At least the internet offers some form of anonymity(?), even if some of you know who I am.

You are the only people that have ever heard any of this ;)

If I can figure out a way to sneak off to the doctor then I'll go.

I scored 8 on that Beyond Blue thing, one shy of all the symptoms because I will never have thoughts to kill myself.

[cheree]

Well I woke up at 10am. Thats early for me. I guess its time I went and saw a doctor.

Thats fantastic. I think it is going to be the first step to turning it all around.
Dont feel ashamed or embarressed about it. Its common, and people are more understanding than you think (in general).

YOU GO GIRLFRIEND... SNAP!:p:p (I know ur a boy btw);)

[Vonnie]

If I can figure out a way to sneak off to the doctor then I'll go...

..I scored 8 on that Beyond Blue thing.

Please do find a way. 8 is a very high score!

Jamie, I've known you for 2 years now, through BAMG and, while we've had our ups and downs, we've always been honest with each other. I think I've referred to you once or twice as being similar to a rat-bag younger brother. Just know that I'm here for you.

We'll all do what we can to help you.

By the way, the statistics vary between one in four and one in five Australians having depression at some time or other. That's either 20% or 25% of Australians. Either way, it's a lot of people.

There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, and you are to be commended for having the maturity to reach out to us.

Vonnie

[Iridescence]

I experienced the end of my 10 year career rather abruptly and unexpectedly last year which resulted in months and months of serious "I want to kill myself" depression. I saw my doctor as soon as it started to interfere with my life - ie I would rather lie in bed and cry than do anything, let alone go to work - and she referred me to a very good psychologist (who was invaluable in helping me get my head around what I was going through) and then to a psychiatrist for medication. It took me over a year to recover from the events of a couple of months from 2 people, but I am in a MUCH better place now as a result, and I have finally been able to get the headspace to realise what I really want to do with my life, which at 35 is a huge thing for me. Please go and see your doctor, and please go out and get some exercise in the sunshine. I can't stress enough the importance of exercise when dealing with depression.

I agree with previous posters, depression is nothing to be embarrassed about, you are most definitely not alone and I would also suggest that you try and bring it up with your mother, she might surprise you. Family support is crucial.

Also - I had several tries at uni after not being accepted into the course I really wanted to do, and I finally decided that it just wasn't for me. It was also one of the worst times of my life, and I haven't particularly suffered for not having a degree.

You always feel as if you should be intelligent enough to think your way through it. But it doesn't work like that.

That is SO true! I went over this again and again - I'm too smart to be depressed - but it doesn't help at all. Depression clouds your mind. You need clarity to get to the bottom of the problem and resolve it, and that is where you doctor can help you.

[Godless Ray]

Generic,

Like a few of the others the first thing that came to my mind is depression. It can have this indecision quality combined this the pre-occupation one. Firstly, I would at least get checked to rule this out. Get it ruled out then come back here so we can talk ok?

Godless Ray

[eclectic]

Oh GB... I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm really glad you saw a doctor. Depression really is NOT something you can think through. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago, but it took me so long to eventually do something. I hope you get help earlier than I did.

I understand completely about not wanting to take drugs. But if your brain is not getting those happy hormones happening properly, it really does need help. No amount of therapy or 'happy thoughts' are going to bring your brain back up to a good level without the help of drugs first. I was on anti-depressants for a year, with six months of therapy, and I am now off them and functioning fine. I was scared of becoming dependent on drugs, but here I am.

I don't think you need to worry so much about 'not knowing what to do with your life'. Like 'the sunscreen' song says, some of the most interesting people don't know what to do with their lives. I certainly hope that's true, as I still don't, and I have an arts degree, 2 years at tafe, various jobs and other courses behind me. I don't feel any of my learning has been wasted, I have a reasonably rich lot of knowledge now, and life experience, and lots of different people I've met etc etc. But nothing I can say is going to help. You need to get medical attention if you are depressed, and decide for yourself how you feel about what you've done with your life so far. And you really are very young. I'm a few years older than you, and I'm still very young too. I understand putting an age on what you want to have 'achieved', but putting time limits on life success is not what being happy & fulfilled is about. You just have to give yourself time to breathe & sort things out in your own time!

I also understand about not wanting your mother to know. My mother is the LAST person I want to go to with any emotional problems, and I could NOT go back to living with her. But sometimes you can be surprised at just how much they really do care about you. :)

Anyway... I just wanted to add my support. Find a sympathetic doctor who is interested in mental health, and look after yourself.

xxx

[TÐöer]

I feel you GB.

I took computer science when in college, the only reason is because I figured I loved computers, and I'm smart enought to do it. I passed out, have a stable job. However, I think I may be way beyond burn out now. Started off quite promising, and out did my peers getting Senior status.

But day in day out, staring at a computer screen, doing programming just seems to be too mundane. I find myself returning to this forum, time and time again. More interesting then the work I have been assigned.

Have you considered taking philosophy? That course is not available to me here.

Lol, I doubt it was Wow, it's probably the type of people we are. We are all thinkers.

There were times when I thought I was loosing my mind, when things just do not compute. I'd figured, either I am crazy or the world is.

Have thought of visiting a psychiatrist too. But I can't, afraid of hurting my family, afraid of being branded as a nut and having less job prospects, then again it might not be us, it could just be the world we live in, and we have not found our calling.

For those who have not started, I think those psychiatrist are just playing god with drugs. My bro was on medication, withdrawal from his drug resulted in madness.

Einstein became famous only after working in a patent office as a clerk.

[Vonnie]

Just wanted to point out that while psychologists / psychiatrists - and there is a difference between the two - can be very helpful to some people, most of the people I have personally known with depression (and there are quite a few!) simply had chemical imbalances and their anti-depressant medication was prescribed by and managed by their local GPs with great success.

Vonnie

[GenericBox]

Just an update, I've been thinking, myself and with friends, over the last couple of days and I am pretty happy / excited in thinking I've found what I want to do.

As I wrote in my bio at the start of this year, ultimately my true passion is Science. It frustrates me that it has taken this long for me to be able to realise this. I am excited in that I feel like I know what I want to do now. I want to be a scientist. It's what I wanted to be since I was little and throughout high school.

I've been reflecting, and I think the main reason I surprised everybody who knew me by picking a business subject was because I was/still am scared.

The first year scared the shit out of me, and I realise I didn't handle it very well nor perhaps didn't seek the help (or anything) that I needed. My decision to do this course was never about what I wanted to do, but of complacency and fear. Seems ironic for an atheist.

I stayed in this course purely just to stay in this course, because I was afraid of what my family (most) and friends would think if I kept changing.

Anyways, if it isn't too late, next semester I will hopefully be starting B Applied Science (Medical Science) with goals of working on stem cells and a dream of one day curing something important. Otherwise, I will be starting this next year.

I am excited about this, and I actually feel that this is the right choice.

I suppose I am still in denial. It's hard for me to admit I was or am depressed. And indeed, this just may be a good night and tomorrow night I will be back feeling the same as I did before.

But, ultimately, I think it was what I was doing at university that was making me feel so, and now that I am excited and focused on what I want to do perhaps I will not feel the same way.

Time will only tell, and perhaps it is just the long weekend that I have that means I don't have to go to uni until Thursday that has got me so happy. Or maybe I am Bipolar. Who knows. But at least now I feel like I am ridding myself of the things I was most upset about. My degree, WoW, my future, and my direction.

Lastly, thanks for all the support. It really, really honestly has meant alot. It was nice to come on here and read the replies and it really did make me feel a whole lot better. This is still the only place I have expressed these feelings, and that helped alot too. It's not healthy to bottle it all up like I had been doing.

Anyways, I am going to wait it out for now. I think the sooner I can stop doing this course the better, and I would love to start my new one asap. It has me so excited.

PS. Now I have to face my family and my mum to tell them I am changing again. Back to something I did first year :S Now THAT is a scary thought. :( I will probably just omit the feeling depressed part.

[TÐöer]

Just wanted to point out that while psychologists / psychiatrists - and there is a difference between the two - can be very helpful to some people, most of the people I have personally known with depression (and there are quite a few!) simply had chemical imbalances and their anti-depressant medication was prescribed by and managed by their local GPs with great success.

Vonnie

ah... maybe it's just the Docs in my country. They prescribe drugs like sweets.

[GenericBox]

Edit: I'll have to wait until next year to start. That leaves me wondering what I should do with myself for the next 6 months.

[SinisterDexter]

Edit: I'll have to wait until next year to start. That leaves me wondering what I should do with myself for the next 6 months.

Enjoy yourself. Make sure it is what you want to do. Refocus. But don't burn your bridges. Don't just drop out. Withdraw properly.

I think you've made a mature decision - but remember, if it is depression, that it is not an easy fix. Your GP and/or a psychologist can help you with coping strategies for the future. I would still recommend you talk to your GP.

But change can help. Good luck and remember we are here to help.

[Iridescence]

I personally throw a rather bad reaction to SSRI drugs, I tried 4 different brands before I decided to just give them a miss. I am very ill for days after one or 2 doses. Fortunately for me I had a tremendous support network and my depression was quite situational, taking me out of the situation did wonders for my mental health.

GB, it's great to see you have been thinking it through and made a decision! I hope it works out for you :D

[Atrax Robustus]

Hi,

You've been given some outstanding advice by your friends on the board here mate.

Depression is insidious and is easily treated - don't ignore it because it is unlikely to go away on its own!

Go to a counsellor at the Uni or see your GP - - - please?

[Godless Ray]

Best of luck mate!

Godless

[Fearless]

Some great advice above...

One thing I would like to add which I think is relevant and I have experienced lately try to deal with any ball and chain you are dragging around with you. Today it feels light but who knows in a few months something might happen (ie, financial hardship, strained relationship etc) which could trigger your feelings all over again and you may find yourself in a slightly deeper hole.

In my example with my workcover claim (workplace bullying), people kept asking me why I didn't just quit and find another job (not necessarily in that order), I felt at the time that although it seemed logical I wasn't sure if it was the answer. That I needed to fight this battle even if I lost (which I didn't). My psychiatrist helping me through this time said "Sure you can find another job and long term it is probably the answer, but if you don't deal with the issues, and your current phsychological injury you could end up taking your problems with you unknowingly and it may seriously affect whatever you move on to whether you mean to or not."

Basically I guess saying if there is a problem, try to understand it, try to get help or assistance for it and try to eradicate or get it under control so whatever you move on to (your science goals) that you are mentslly prepared to give it your best go.

As for WoW, reading your thread and knowing what I have gone through myself I am seriously considering cancelling my subscription... to put that time into something more constructive, something I am more passionate about. Thank you for sharing that as I do think it is relevant. I do think the game is adictive, the fact that it never ends and you have put so much time and effort into your characters the thought of giving up is bloody hard for me. I was told it had a negative effect on a previous relationship of mine too. I am pretending it didn't in my head but it may just have to be honest to myself.

Either way, all the best. Good on you for speaking up, even if it was on a forum... many don't and never really deal with it. I think you will find that very few people never have depression in their life time and many will continue to have it surface in their life and learn to live with it... doesn't mean you are a basket case or anything...

...it means you are human ;)

[GenericBox]

Yeah. It is kinda pathetic that the hardest thing I've ever done is give up a game lol. I am still not certain I am over it. I went cold turkey twice, the first time failed.

I just uninstalled it off my computer the first time. And that lasted about a week (to which anyone will tell you I was extremely grumpy), before I literally went rampaging through my closets (much to my mums anger, I was throwing stuff everywhere), until I found the discs, reinstalled it, and waited 4-5 hours for it to update itself again.

This time I actually cancelled the account, but it is hasn't been uninstalled. Perhaps I should, but I think that is a little too hard lol. So right now, perhaps even for the better, its just sitting on my computer, tempting me to open it and try log in with an account that doesn't exist anymore :D It is actually kind of good - I've done that two or three times now. I'll give in, open it up, try to log in but can't. And by then I've woken up and realised what I was doing and quit it and did something else ;) ---- Like coming on here :p

Anyway, I'm feeling back to normal. But, then again, who knows if normal for me is right. I have many, many issues that makes me well and truly f**ked up :) that I often tell myself I need to see someone about, but I don't. And I carry on like nothing happened. Unfortunately for me, I am a person who doesn't change until its about to kill me. What worries me more is that I can tell exactly what makes me tick in my brain and I know all the roots of the issues I have, so I get cocky and think - "Who needs a Psychiatrist, I know exactly what they'll tell me anyway". It's frustrating for myself and everybody around me too how much I know I have problems yet do nothing about it.

But, for now, everything has been bottled up, I had my little dummy spit, let it all out, and like a volcano I am silently bubbling up for my next eruption. At least now I have something to look forward too.

I am happy to say that its been 3 days now and I am still as excited that I found out what I want to do. So thats something. I'm looking forward to it, which is the first time since I started university.

A note for all those parents out there - Don't let your kids play World of Warcraft - or if they do, monitor them closely! I've expressed my view on video games in other threads, and it is not the violence you have to worry about, it is the pure consumptive nature of the game. As Fearless said it doesn't end, theres no "levels", and it can't be paused - therefore if they start something, they can't / won't want to leave the computer until they've finished it.

Anyways, all this WoW talk is making me want to play it again. So I better stop :p

[Atrax Robustus]

. . . it doesn't end, theres no "levels", and it can't be paused - therefore if they start something, they can't / won't want to leave the computer until they've finished it. . . .


It's a bit like forums really :o

[GenericBox]

It's a bit like forums really :o


Yeah, I have no doubt I have replaced WoW with these forums. I sit on here sometimes up to 10 hours a day, hitting 'new posts' every 10-15 minutes.

It's that addictive nature I hate about myself ;)

[GenericBox]

It'd be nice If I got addicted to a university course....... That would help alot!

[Fearless]

Yeah, I have no doubt I have replaced WoW with these forums. I sit on here sometimes up to 10 hours a day, hitting 'new posts' every 10-15 minutes.

It's that addictive nature I hate about myself ;)
Yeah but you cant get ganked while you are alt tabbed from something else and have to ghost run back ;) (oops sorry, more WoW talk :o)

You will find this new passion eventually and you might just find the forums are a pause break to clear your head a bit from all that science cramming he he

[eclectic]

Would you consider withdrawing and taking the next semester to take a break from study? maybe earn a bit of cash & clear your head.

But I'm glad you're excited about your new plan. I hope it's just what you need.

Personally I could only handle university after no longer living at home. That meant working for a few years so that I was then classed as 'independent' by centrelink... with a part-time job to top up my youth allowance I eventually managed to afford to rent a little flat on my own, and live an independent adult life AND study full-time. (share-housing is cheaper but I prefer to live alone, just personal preference).

[GenericBox]

Yeah I will probably move out at the end of this year now before starting this new course. I don't know about working, I mean, its probably logical, just, if I ever change my mind, or say - if I want to complete this degree while still studying medicine, if I continue next semester it gives me that opportunity. If I continue next semester I will only have 1 semester after that to go, and although I will be starting medicine, that last semester is only 2 classes to catch up on the ones I failed. Therefore I might be able to do them at the same time and these last 4 years might not have been a complete waste.

Anyways its stuff I have to think about. But yeah, I don't mind living at home, my mum is a shift working nurse, so she is gone from 1:30pm til 11:30pm. So its not like I'm bothered. I will wake up at noon, and she will be getting ready to go, then she'll get home at 11:30 and go straight to bed, and I stay up for another 4-5 hours.

She is more like a flatmate than a mum, a flatmate that does all my washing, prepares my meals and pays all the bills - I'm a bit of a mummy's boy.

But yeah, its like shes not even here mostly anyway so that doesn't bother me.

I hate dealing with centrelink. I've moved around too much to get independent status with centrelink. We moved here in January, and before then we moved 3/4 times in a year. So I haven't earnt the benchmark to class as independent, and Brisbane isn't far enough away for that clause either. I went on Centrelink a few months ago on Youth Allowance, but (without telling us of course) gave me only $11 a fortnight, and STOPPED my mums Family Tax Benefit A thing which was like $80 a fortnight. So that was fail.

But yeah I will have to start saving up though. Dunno though.

[Vonnie]

Are you still working PT at the newsagency? No real reason for asking, except that I thought it had been a constant in your life for quite some time.

Vonnie

[GenericBox]

I've been a newsagent for 4 years now. Since I started uni. Its just been at 3 different newsagencies... I'm a creature of habit :S

[eclectic]

Yeah I will probably move out at the end of this year now before starting this new course. I don't know about working, I mean, its probably logical, just, if I ever change my mind, or say - if I want to complete this degree while still studying medicine, if I continue next semester it gives me that opportunity. If I continue next semester I will only have 1 semester after that to go, and although I will be starting medicine, that last semester is only 2 classes to catch up on the ones I failed. Therefore I might be able to do them at the same time and these last 4 years might not have been a complete waste.

Anyways its stuff I have to think about. But yeah, I don't mind living at home, my mum is a shift working nurse, so she is gone from 1:30pm til 11:30pm. So its not like I'm bothered. I will wake up at noon, and she will be getting ready to go, then she'll get home at 11:30 and go straight to bed, and I stay up for another 4-5 hours.

She is more like a flatmate than a mum, a flatmate that does all my washing, prepares my meals and pays all the bills - I'm a bit of a mummy's boy.

But yeah, its like shes not even here mostly anyway so that doesn't bother me.

I hate dealing with centrelink. I've moved around too much to get independent status with centrelink. We moved here in January, and before then we moved 3/4 times in a year. So I haven't earnt the benchmark to class as independent, and Brisbane isn't far enough away for that clause either. I went on Centrelink a few months ago on Youth Allowance, but (without telling us of course) gave me only $11 a fortnight, and STOPPED my mums Family Tax Benefit A thing which was like $80 a fortnight. So that was fail.

But yeah I will have to start saving up though. Dunno though.

Understand. As I say, just my personal situation. My mother is very controlling... I find living in the same city as her a bit much. And centrelink is a NIGHTMARE. I certainly am glad to not be dealing with them anymore.

[Godless Ray]

Generic,

How old are you presently? Do you strongly feel that your best path is through Uni? What types of things do you love doing?

Godless

[GenericBox]

20 days 6 months 9 days (roughly). I sort of do. I mean I want to be there. Just not interested in what I am doing there. I don't know what I love doing. Half of the dilemna. I love doing science. I love computer stuff. I don't know. I just need to be more motivated next time. But I'm hoping that comes with interest. If I am interested in it, I'll want to do it. Sounds simple enough.

I found out last week something I may not have to do that extra semester I was so stressed about (I wish someone from the university would of told me this, but no, they have communicataphobia. They don't communicate at all). It's only speculation between friends so I'll have to ask someone. If I don't, I'll be able to finish my degree at the end of this year which will be nice. At least I'll have a degree under my belt. Then I will go and do Biomedical Science to become a Doctor. Hopefully. It's either Biomedical Science > Doctor or Applied Science (Medical Science) > PhD > Stem Cell Researcher. But yeah. Leaning towards Doctor. Then I will sit my USA equivalency test and go be all I can be over there. That is my plan as of now.

My other plans are to either not do medicine, take my degree at the end of this year, and apply for ASIO, ASIS or AFP. That would be fun. Or take my degree and join the RAAF as an Officer again. Cept this time I wouldn't need to go to ADFA. Or I'll just even take my degree and get a job in the advertising industry. Or I will take my degree and go back for masters in advertising before working in the advertising industry. I don't know.

The problem I seem to have is that I have too many options and don't know what I really want. But Science seems pretty up there.

[GenericBox]

... 3 months later GenericBox died of a cardiac arrest.

Lol. Sorry to resurrect a dead thread but going over this again I realise I had many warning signs in the lead up to my death that if I had just told my mum or doctor about, probably could have been avoided.

Highly irregular sleep patterns, Depression and Months of self-induced high stress. Sad to think how it could of been different if I was man enough to get help :)

I'm sure there is a lesson there that I probably won't learn.

[Praxis]

Sad to think how it could of been different if I was man enough to get help.

I'm sure there is a lesson there that I probably won't learn.
Not sad. You ARE different. You survived that massive coronary arrest.

And that's why hindsight is always free.

So now you are equipped with insight and (hopefully) know what signs to look out for, so next time (should there be one), you will do things differently and you will ask for help.

You've also grown up a lot, I daresay. Don't be so hard on yourself.

:)

[riddlemethis]

Box! I think this thread should be stickied as a shining beacon of 'go to the doctor because feeling like that is not normal & what you are feeling could be physiological'!

It's so amazing that you are still around & that you have a brilliant story to share. How's the directional motivation going? Because you have a career right there is sharing your experience with young people, and advocating for the ways reason & science can get us through these things with no need for the Sky Fairy!

[Mentally Saturated]

All addictions are bad.. but you'd have to assume that ya couldn't get a better addiction than one to reason, and being around some very smart people.. :) It's one of the attractions of this place (certainly is for me, anyway).

12 months ago I was spending a similar amount of time on here as you, GB. Over the past 3 months or so, not so much. The need comes and goes, as do circumstances. I feel I'm sooooo far behind reading threads here, but I've got other things to do... I couldn't possibly keep up to date on everything that's happening, no matter how much I'd like to. (I've been wanting to post in the Nuclear debate thread for a few weeks... but just haven't had the time ! :( Finally got there, tho.. but won't really be participating further.)

I'm on a disability pension, live alone, and suffer with depression (among other health issues). It currently feels as if there simply aren't enough hours in the day for all the things that I need to do, let alone those that I would like to do. I try to aim for a bit of a balance between both, and it kinda works out... not always, but mostly.

Hope you're doing OK with your recovery.

Gary

[andrewk]

GB if you're still in a dilemma about study and future direction (I see this thread is 2 years old) you might benefit from reading 'The pleasures and sorrows of work' by the British philosopher Alain de Botton. I saw him give a talk about it in which he explained that the much greater choice of careers available to western people these days often leads to unhappiness because people believe they ought to be able to find a career that they absolutely love. Then they feel guilty, inadequate and depressed if they don't achieve that. In the bad old days, you had little or no choice of job, you didn't expect to enjoy it, so you didn't beat yourself up over the fact that you didn't but just made the most of enjoying the rest of your life.

He said the same problem often applies to marriages too, but that's a different topic.

Anyway, perhaps you're setting the bar too high. Most people don't find the career they love, but settle for something they find tolerable and make the best of life from there.

Disclaimer - I haven't read the book. My knowledge is based on his talk about the book. I have read 'the consolations of philosophy' by him though and that was good.

[GenericBox]

Thanks Andrew,

The same can be said generally from all consumption experiences. It's called Cognitive Dissonance. (I am learning over time that I did actually get something out of my degree).

As I grow up, I think I realise that the problem was never the content, I am happy with Marketing and advertising communication is truly a passion. It is a cross of Psychology, Anthropology, Business and Creative Industries - as broad a coverage than any other course I'll find.

But I think what disappoints me still, even into a Masters degree, is the method of teaching / learning expected at institutions - and how it differs from how I prefer to learn. University is all about conditioning. Conditioning responses to certain stimuli and the recollection, not application, of "theories" of study.

I don't agree with this. I learnt more (even theory-wise), in a few months of internship than I felt I ever did through reading or sitting in a lecture theatre. I learn by doing - with everything. Just like my recent adventure into After Effects - I picked up enough of the basic functions to improvise how to motion track, by watching - and doing a 25 minute tutorial that didn't even cover it.

It makes me wonder how many more of my generation are like this. Why does it seem I, or (in general) my generation, can pick up a piece of technology and almost immediately know how to use the most advanced features. It isn't because we memorised the instruction manual (ever), its because we learnt from experimenting with our first model, and extrapolated and elaborated that experience to adapt it to the new situation.

University (well, QUT Business (supposedly the "best" Business school in Australia - something about 4 AAAA accreditation or something)) - is just repetition over and over.

This first semester of a Masters is for all purposes a revision of what I did in my undergraduate courses 3 years ago.


So, anyway - point is. I've found my peace with Advertising and Communications and I am really looking forward to a career in the industry. But I still feel like crap in this current university environment.

Note: I also think the influence of American culture in the lives of the young exaggerate the effects of cognitive dissonance.

Not only from my own experiences and the disappointment of university here "not being like the movies" - but I was talking to a new student on the train yesterday, and he felt the exact same thing. He got to QUT and was shocked at how lifeless our campuses are, and how different it is to his expectations. There is no sense of community or enjoyment of the experience. People go to uni for the class, they leave straight after.

But that is only 2 peoples opinion of 1 university anyway.